A GUSHER IN THE WALL

Once upon a time there was a little short, fat woman name Tibby who was blessed with excellent hearing. One night Tibby was lying in bed reading (and crunching crackers and cheese and an apple and Snickers bar) after her husband and doggies had gone to sleep at their usual time (7:30 pm). She loved listening to the rain outside the window at night and how it gently...but wait a minute...it wasn't raining anymore. Oh, had to be the toilet running. Tibby went into the bathroom and lifted the toilet lid where that ball thing was, but, nope, wasn't that. (By the way, it HAD to be a man who invited the name BALL COCK...I mean, REALLY!!!!!) Tibby then walked into hubby's bathroom, lifted the toilet lid, but everything seemed fine...if you didn't look at the rust! Checked the outside hose...hmmm...not there. Was it the air conditioning she was hearing? Checked that out..no. Finally, Tibby got smart and pressed her ear to the bathroom wall where the sound of a waterfall could be heard (similar to Niagra Falls after a heavy rain.) YIKES. But, her hubby was so tired...should she wake him up? She knew how to turn off the water, but that meant lifting the heavy roof-thing over the well and what if it slipped and she was trapped in the well? Nobody would find her for days, maybe weeks. At some point in the Spring after a nation-wide search, someone would open the well roof and find her skeleton which could only be identified by the partly-eaten Snickers bar clutched in her bony fingers. Yep, wake up hubby.

Tibby tip-toed into her husband's bedroom where she could hear the wheezing sounds of Darth Vader's (C-PAP) machine and two snoring dogs. "Honey," she said softly. "Sweetheart?" She said slightly louder. Nothing. Just wheezing and snoring. A bit louder she said, "Homer, honey." Nothing. Oh, to heck with it..."HOMMMMEEERRRRR, THERE'S A BEAR IN THE HOUSE!!!" Success! Hubby sits up in bed with C-PAP still firmly attached (dogs are still sleeping - great watchdogs, right?) and Tibby tells him, "There's a waterfall in the bathroom wall." After a moment of profound silence, Homer said, "Am I dreaming?" Tibby smiled sweetly and said, "Yes, you are still dreaming, sweetheart. Part of the dream is to follow me." Then Homer realized, "Oh, hell, this is real!" Of course, he has to check everything Tibby had just checked being a male!! Eventually Homer puts his ear to the wall, hears Niagra Falls in the wall just like Tibby did and gives one of those from the soul-deep SIGHS.

Tibby and Homer both grab flashlights and head out into the wet night, around the pond, careful to avoid frogs, snakes and the fat raccoon who stops by every now and then and both lie down in the mud to see what's going on. Yep, thar's a gusher under there all right. Tibby and Homer both look at each other...SIGH.

Hubby goes to turn water off and they go back to bed since it's midnight.

Morning comes with the realization that, yep, that wasn't a dream. Sweet Homer turns the water on for Tibby to have a 3-minute shower and flush the toilet then turns it off again. Plans have been made to have breakfast with their dear friend, Juli, so they cheerfully drive down the road and have a great breakfast.

Upon returning the house, Tibby sets out every big pot, spare water pitchers, large plastic totes, etc, in preparation for the great WE HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO FILL EVERYTHING UP IN THE HOUSE BEFORE TURNING THE WATER OFF AGAIN.

In the meantime, Homer begins a carefully orchestrated donning of clothes to wear under the flooded house. As their dog, Dottie, looks on with QUITE a bit of amusement, Homer strips to his underwear and pulls a large black garbage bag over one leg and ties it at the top. Dottie looks at Tibby with one raised eyebrow. Then Homer repeats the procedure on the other leg. Dottie and Tibby watch silently careful not to look at each other. Next, Homer cuts holes out of the top of a garbage bag and puts on a plastic garbage bag shirt. He now looks like some sort of homeless super hero. Dottie buries her face in her paws and Tibby has a coughing fit. Homer pulls his clothes on over his garbage bag superhero outfit and as a final jaunty touch to the ensemble, places a plaid winter hat with ear flaps on his head. Dottie falls over on her side making puppy sneezing noises and Tibby has to hold on to the side of the bed as she shrieks in laughter. As Tibby and Dottie make an attempt to control themselves, Homer says, "Well, I think this is very appropriate clothing for the job at hand." Dottie rolls off the bed and Tibby runs screaming with laughter down the hall. (During this entire clothing episode, Tibby and Homer's other dog, Boo, is sitting the hall thinking, "You know, I think I like bologna.")

As Tibby waits with pitchers in hand, Homer gives the signal from the well that the water is about to be turned on!! As welcome water gushes through the pipes (and under the house!), Tibby races to fill up three large totes, two coffee pots, three soup pots, three pitchers and the kitchen sink with water. She manages in that time to also clean both bathrooms and the entire house. As the final tote fills up, Tibby looks up to see a bedraggled, wet husband walk to the door and say, "It's a flood down there. Call the plumber."

Tibby watches in great pity as her garbage-bag clad husband returns to the pump to turn the water off. And then giggles like a maniac.

Within a day, Tibby and Homer had the repairs made and were able to settle back down to a type of normalcy. But sometimes, late at night, giggling can be heard in Tibby's room as she remembers her husband's garbage bag and plaid hat outfit! What a guy!!

This essay has been placed on my website because my sister-of the heart, Annie, threatened to hold her breath until I did! Breathe, Annie, breathe!!!